always and forever?

Lately it seems like all around me couples are divorcing or having problems big enough to where they are considering separation and it is just really taking a toll on my mindset of my boyfriend and I's future. Should I ever even want to get married? I can definitely see us being together, and despite the problems we may encounter, we always find a way to work through them together. I can't imagine sharing certain things, acting or being myself with another person the way that I am with Bray. It's cliche but I am myself more than ever because of him. I don't care to act, dress or talk a certain way and I can be my ridiculously goofy, little kid at heart, clumsy, clueless self. Bray loves me no matter how many flaws I feel I have, even how bad of a singer I am. I have more self esteem because of the way he sees me and how he tells me I'm beautiful; it melts my heart every time.

But what if it stopped? If I had to be someone else to keep him happy or even to keep him with me, would I? I'd like to say no, but I honestly am not sure. I have changed things in my life for our relationship, but change myself? I don't think I could. It's a tough situation to think of, but I fear a divorce could be in my future no matter who I'm with. People do change and sometimes it's very difficult to deal with that. Would I be able to live with Bray if he changed gradually? I can't say. I guess it would just depend on what changes were happening.

My parents were divorced and both remarried and recently my mom and my step-dad have had problems to where they were reconsidering their marriage. It was the biggest thing that changed my mind set on relationships. They seemed perfectly fine before, like an ideal couple, and my dad has the traits that I would want to see in a future husband and he is a wonderful man, but my mom no longer saw the wonderful side of him. Luckily my parents have worked through their problems and have been to counselors in order to stay together and it seems to be working out. The same situation has hit a couple that are like second parents to me and they are deciding to divorce. It has just gotten so ugly. They are spiteful towards one another and can't even stand to be in the same room for too long. It's so very sad to see. They have two children who are going to go through this with them and I feel so bad that they do. Being a child of divorced parents, I can tell you first hand that it is a difficult thing. It becomes regular and you deal with it as time passes but it is still hard. You're at a different house every other weekend, holidays are split and you are always the middle man between your two parents. I think that is my biggest fear in marriage besides the feeling of failure if it doesn't work out. I absolutely do not want to get married, have kids quickly after and then when they are older be headed for a divorce. I want a better life than that for my future children and I don't want them to go through what I did, even if I had it better than other kids I know.

I don't ever want to have to deal with this whole hard and horrible process, so should I never get married as a preventative? After all, you really do not know what could happen. I guess I'm playing devils advocate here with myself because I know that's not how I really feel. I do want to get married, I want that huge, fancy, perfect wedding and I want to live happily with that man for the rest of our lives. I want the fairly tale. I know everything isn't perfect, I get that, but if I love someone so much and can commit my time and life to them as a boyfriend and I see myself with him for a long time, then why not get married? Because I'm scared for my future? For my possible future children? No. I don't believe in being too scared to jump and do something. Live for today is my motto now. I will not be too scared to get married when the time comes because I don't know what the future holds. We'll deal with what God and the future have to throw at us. Love is the strongest emotion I know and I believe that when you have love, you can work through almost anything. It definitely isn't going to be easy, but you can't just call uncle and it's over. That's not how life is and that shouldn't be how marriage is either.

to buy, or not to buy: that is the question

Yesterday as I was shopping with friends, I realized that I am a very, very material person. I probably should have realized this before my twentieth year of life, but sometimes it takes a while for a person to see something in themselves, even if others may have seen it already. Finding something I like and not having the money to buy it will ruin my day, sometimes week if it's something I really like. The opposite is the same; whenever I buy clothes, jewelry, purses, shoes, even home decorations, I could stare admirably at my purchase and be so excited for it for days. Until the next item I see and want comes along. I don't like to be a material person, and I really don't want material possessions to dictate what my mood is in life, but how do you just stop?

Before someone calls me superficial, I'll admit it, I definitely am; but can you be both superficial and deep? I would like to think that I am at least deep a majority of the time. I definitely value my boyfriends personality, his love, his beliefs and morals way more than his bank account. Truth be told, we wouldn't be dating if I only cared about what was in his bank account! I love my family and friends because of the way they make me laugh, they are always there when I need them, they love me unconditionally and a million more reasons. That makes me a little less superficial, right?

I vowed last night as I contemplated what things I needed to buy for vacation two weeks from now, that I would only buy the necessities in my life. Then it hit me, what are the necessities? I needed work pants, (which I did go out and buy today, but at a can't pass up price) yet I already had two pairs, so is it really necessary for me to buy more? Considering I work four to five days a week, I don't think it's unnecessary to buy more work pants. What about buying groceries? I live with my boyfriend and his parents, and they buy all of the groceries, but very unhealthy ones. I have been trying to lose weight, also for that vacation in two weeks, and it is so hard to lose any weight when everything in the house and everything they fix is so fattening. So then, is it necessary for me to spend my money on other groceries when they already provide us with food? That's what my whole days thoughts have been about, the necessary and unnecessary costs in my life and how I can change the unnecessary and my desire for them. I just can't seem to settle on the which is which.